Update: Last Wednesday, I ended up at Starbucks instead of the gym. Oops. Friday and today, I just came to work early.
We are going to have a home health aide come out tomorrow. I think I am ready to give this whole let someone else take care of my husband thing a shot. Translation: I am tired of doing it myself and I am drooling over the possibilities of things I could do with that time. I could work out. I could go to Starbucks and read and write. I could go to work and start my day early. I could organize coupons.
I have tried this before and the ritual left me in tears for a couple of different reasons. Mainly because leaving my husband in the bed made me feel like something was wrong with him. Like he was sick. Like he was a patient. I hated having to face that over and over.
Who knows, maybe something has changed? Maybe I have realized once and for all that there is something wrong. That my husband is paralyzed and can't get himself out of bed so someone else has to do it. Maybe I am ready to face that that is not normal. Maybe I am over "normal" and trying to kill myself trying to achieve it.
Or maybe I am just being selfish.
I don't know for sure but I feel ready. Ready to try.
I am going to try to not judge myself and I would appreciate it if you dont judge me either.
I think there is an insecure part of me that worries that if I don't get him up, showered, dressed, fed etc. myself that I am not this superwoman that people make me out to be.
My friend Abby hit that point on the head.
Maybe I am ready to not care about my superwoman status just enough to cut myself some slack and not care if anyone thinks I'm a fraud.
I guess we'll see.