I have shared with you before that when I travel for work, we have hired help that comes and helps Michael get up and take care of his personal business. We don't do this when I am home, because I have a hard time dealing with it.
Right before New Year's, I pulled my back, and it's made some things hard. Like lifting my husband, and bending over. Michael's morning routine involves at least three transfers, and lots of bending over, reaching over, stretching side to side, it's quite the twister game that ends with a handsome man up, dressed and fresh for the day!
I am thankful for a husband who loves me, who knows me, and who looks out for me. Even though I was home this morning, his scheduled bathroom day, he insisted he have a home health care provider come out to take care of the twister game.
I tried to resist this.
But then, I heard a voice in my head.
It was as if I was my own friend, giving myself advice:
"Take this break. You need it. It will be a good thing. You can get out. Go to Starbucks, or go to the gym."
But, it is hard.
It's hard to hand control over.
I recognize that I can't take care of my husband when I'm not here.
I get that.
But I hate to let go of that control when I am here.
Because I know how good I am at it. And quick. And I have this amazing ability to put everything back where I got it/where it belongs. Not to sound full of myself, but what wife doesn't know better than anyone else what is good for her husband?
So yeah, I have a bit of a trust issue.
I also have a guilt issue.
Right now, our home health care is paid for by Medicaid. The State of Virginia pays for it. This is a huge blessing to our little family right now. I have never been one to like a handout, so I had a bit of a moral struggle accepting help this morning, knowing I could have done it. I was here. Would it have been hard? Yes. Would it have hurt? At times, for a couple of seconds, yes. But, I could have done it.
Okay, so those are the issues with having someone here. Then, there are a couple of more. Yes, I have a lot of issues. :) I am an all or nothing kind of girl. So, if I'm going to have issues, I'm going to have them all.
There is the privacy issue.
This one has gotten better over time. I've gotten used to having people all up in my place when they're taking care of my husband. I don't particularly like coming home and finding there is NO toilet paper in MY bathroom, and long black hairs on the floor. It's not my favorite thing to see laundry that has clearly been folded by someone else, and I really don't like trying to find something in my kitchen because someone else put it back in some random spot. (Maybe I should bust the label maker back out and make places more clear?)
Anyway. I'm super proud of myself.
Because this morning, I got up, took care of the dogs, laid Michael's phone on his chest, and headed to the gym. I did *NOT* cry!! I took a cardio/strength class at the local REC Center. And I liked it. And on my way home, I got the text from Michael: "Done."
I asked him, is the coast clear? Once I got the confirmation that it was (I still have major issues about actually BEING HERE while someone else is here taking care of him), I came home. He was up, dressed, fresh. I made breakfast, and we got on with our day, and it has been a great day.
Not to pat myself on the back too hard... because this was Michael's idea after all... but I'm proud of myself. For pulling this off with no tears. And, for going to the gym.
I should do this again. Sometime.
Friday, January 13, 2012