Husband Makes Dinner, House Still Standing

Baked pork chop, Zataran's jambalaya mix, and steamed stir fry veggies

Tonight I cooked dinner because Dana was a little overwhelmed. She said, "mmmm, it smells good in here," as she walked through the door. It feels good to save her that half hour or so and start the night off right.

Okay, to the  menu:

• Two pork chops drizzled with Italian dressing and baked
• Zataran's jambalaya mix (no meat added)
• Stir fry veggie mix steamed in the microwave and seasoned with garlic salt and fake butter
• Tortillas with apple butter baked (for  dessert)

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Sunday Afternoon Post

I missed my weekly Saturday Morning Post yesterday, because we were out of town on our church's annual Leadership Retreat. Michael is leading a small group this semester (Tuesday nights at 7pm, going through Pastor Mark's new book, "The Circle Maker," if you're interested), so even though I no longer lead the Prayer Ministry, we were still on for the retreat.

The retreat is at this old, outdated church campground in West Virginia, about an hour and a half (theoretically) from DC.  Our church has about 300 ministry team/small group leaders, so it's a lot of people.  They pay for everything, so all we have to do is show up.

The Praise and Worship music is AMAZING. The videos the church staff put together are HILARIOUS, and the vision casting and preaching is CHALLENGING.

Michael and I reflected over the time since last year's Leadership Retreat.  WOW. What a year.
Last year, one of our church staff came to us, and asked to pray over us.  He prayed for us, then told us, simply, that he thought we should tell our story.  He didn't make a big deal over it, like it was all prophetic, or something, but take it for what it's worth.

A couple of months later, I got a message from my friend Michelle, who wanted to write an article for Gladys Magazine about us. I immediately thought about that prayer.  We shared our story.

Now, looking back on all that sharing our story has brought us over the last year, I am humbled, and excited about what God is doing in our lives, and through this little blog.  And, I'm reminded that even when we take what in the grand scheme of things, are little baby steps of obedience, God sees that, He honors that, and multiplies it.

Pastor Heather said Friday night, "Jesus can't avoid people who are desperately determined to get to Him."

That struck me.
I realized that about a year ago, I was desperate.
But, it took some time for my desperation caused me to be determined to get to Him.  I was mad at God for a while.
So glad Jesus could see straight through my anger and know that even in that season, I was desperate for Him.

I am so thankful for a church that pours into its leaders. I am so thankful for a husband who loves the Lord, and I *can't wait* to see him live up to his potential in this new ministry role.  And I'm so ready to pray through where God wants to take us over this next year.

So, there.
That's my contemplative Sunday afternoon post.
Brought to you by a very relaxed me, as I sit on my heating pad, sip Pumpkin Spice Tea, and I watch Michael fold laundry.

Facing Disability Post: Spinal Cord Injury: A Wife's Perspective

Earlier this week, I had the honor of guest posting on Facing Disability's blog.  I linked to it on Facebook, but just in case you missed it and are interested, here's what I wrote:
Two years ago, I married the man with the prettiest blue eyes I could find. He’s smart. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He’s handsome. And he gets me.

He does all of this, from a wheelchair. When Michael was 17 years old he broke his neck in a gymnastics accident. He’s a C5/6 quadriplegic, paralyzed from the chest down, with limited use of his arms and hands.

I am not sure just how much my perspective as a wife of a man with a spinal cord injury varies from the wife of any other man, because this is all I have ever known, but here goes.

There is certainly a lot to get used to. Not everyone will agree with this assessment, but to me, as we were settling into that first year of marriage, it sort of felt like we had a third person along for the ride.

That third person being my husband’s disability: the special needs it has, the equipment it requires, and the patience and effort required on my part to accommodate it. The catch was, unlike an actual person, the disability doesn’t communicate. You can’t reason with it. You can’t compromise. You can’t take turns. You just have to move out of the way when it is going a certain way. When it slows you down, you just have to slow down. When it goes haywire and changes your plans because of a bodily or equipment malfunction, you have to go with its flow. It doesn’t care if you are sick, or tired, or need a break. It must be handled first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and whenever it wants. It often cannot be “prioritized” or manipulated.

This was a major adjustment, especially for a control freak like myself. Because with other situations in life, you can plan ahead, you can work harder, think faster, be smarter, and get your way.

Being the wife of someone with a spinal cord injury can provide you with great perspective. Nothing like waking up every day next to someone who can’t move to make you realize whatever you are dreading or are afraid of that particular day, doesn’t really matter. But, if you’re not careful, that “perspective” can make you feel like you don’t matter.

I learned, not so quickly, but eventually, to not take the third person “personally.” It took time. And lots of love from a husband who was not willing to let his disability swallow his wife.

It is so cliché’, but communication really is key. Communication is key in any marriage, but in a marriage where a lot of the physical activity falls on one partner, because of a disability, communication is the glue that holds you together.

Just as it is important for the able bodied, ”caregiving” spouse to make sure all of the needs of the disabled partner are met, it is important for the disabled spouse to make sure the caregiver is taken care of.

There is so much support you can give, even if you have a spinal cord injury. My husband has found dozens of creative solutions to contribute. His legs may not work, but his ears do. He is an excellent listener.

There have been times when I have felt third in line in this marriage, behind him and his disability. Because he was able to see me, and hear my perspective, he was able to change it. To make me realize that we are a TEAM. There’s nothing either of us did to deserve this. It’s not anyone’s fault. But neither one of us is in this alone. We are on the same team.

Being part of a team is empowering. When you are weak, the other is strong. Two heads are better than one. Another cliché, but all of that is true. And when you’re dealing with a hard-headed non-compromising wildcard of a third person, you need as much power on your team as you can get.

My husband and I write a candid blog about our life called “Love Like This Life.” We write about life, love, faith, work and disability. We put ourselves out there in the hope that we will connect with others and encourage them along the way. Come rock this out right along side us!

www.lovelikethislife.com

Peace: Wait for It

I just ate a Kit Kat in like .04 seconds.  Oops.  I should demand that all vending machines be removed from my workplace, because they will eventually be the death of me, I'm convinced.
My love for chocolate is actually tied with my love for coffee, which is ranked just slightly below my love for my husband.

Last week, I made a new friend.  Her name is Katie, and we have so much in common.  Katie recommended this book to me, "Jesus Calling." It has a little daily reading, and it's written from the perspective of Jesus, speaking to you.

Before I lose you, hang with me.  This is not crazy religious stuff, I promise. It's all based on Bible verses.  I have been reading them on the Metro on my way to work for the past week or so, and almost every day, they have been SO. ON. POINT.

For example today, it was about the Peace Jesus offers:

You receive this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life's storms.  If you have the world's peace -- everything going your way -- you don't seek My unfathomable Peace.  Thank Me when things do not go your way, because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials.  Adverse circumstances are nomal in a fallen world.  Except them each day.  Rjoice in the face of hardship, for I have overcome the world.

So. Um. Yeah.  I hear that!
I am the QUEEN of getting my way.  Of course, I make this happen myself whenever possible.  And, like any spoiled brat, when I don't get my way, you better watch out!! 
Being a Type A personality can be a good quality.  I have been quite successful in many areas of my life.  But, I have to remember that all of my efforts are worthless without the blessing of God on my life!

I am also trying to learn to ACCEPT the Peace of Jesus rather than trying to control my own circumstances to the point that I have enough peace of my own, and I don't realize that I need HIS peace.

Does that make any sense?

Case in point: Our little adjustment period I told y'all about yesterday. Last week, I fought the peace.  I was frustrated, needy, demanding and unhappy.  I could have rested in the Peace offered to me, but instead I obsessed over when the home health aides were getting to our house, what they were doing when they were there and exactly how they were doing.  I was looking at my phone every 5 minutes wondering why Michael hadn't texted me that they were done.  It was not pretty.

My dear husband has taught me so much about this same thing.  He loves to do things to help me, to serve me and to bless me.  But I have to sit down long enough to let him do it.  That's not easy when I am such an impatient person that literally waiting 15 seconds for anything feels like it is going to kill me!

One day last week, Michael knew I was having a bad day.  So, he took the initiative to start on dinner while I was commuting home.  I have to admit, the thought of my quadriplegic husband rolling up crescent rolls and baking them in the toaster oven did give me a couple of heart palpatations. And I figured Brokaw would benefit quite a bit in the kitchen, as M dropped something.  But when I got home, there they were.  Baked, warm, ready to go.

And that's not all.  Michael also made me a "fire."  And had some soft, soothing music playing in the background.  We ate dinner, and chilled out.  

Then he busted out the Aromatherapy lotion and gave me a really good shoulder massage.  It's amazing what those skinny, pointy elbows can do!!  I relaxed some more, reading my Kindle, then we shared a new dessert we tried for the first time -- coffee ice cream, pistachios and chocolate syrup. Try it. It was delicious.

My whole point here is that sometimes, we just have to wait for the Peace of God, and stop trying to make our world peaceful, ourselves.  Because that night could have been different. I could have rushed home, made crescent rolls while picking up the house, served dinner myself, cleaned that up and served ice cream in a lot less time, and probably with less mess.

But this way, there was more Peace, in the end.
Marriage really can teach you SO MUCH about God.  It's cool like that.

We Are Going Through a Little Adjustment Period

I wrote the following entry LAST Tuesday night.  We have moved to having home health aides come help Michael a few mornings a week, with his personal care.  It's an adjustment for both of us. 

Update: Last Wednesday, I ended up at Starbucks instead of the gym.  Oops. Friday and today, I just came to work early.

We are going to have a home health aide come out tomorrow. I think I am ready to give this whole let someone else take care of my husband thing a shot. Translation: I am tired of doing it myself and I am drooling over the possibilities of things I could do with that time. I could work out. I could go to Starbucks and read and write. I could go to work and start my day early. I could organize coupons.

I have tried this before and the ritual left me in tears for a couple of different reasons. Mainly because leaving my husband in the bed made me feel like something was wrong with him. Like he was sick. Like he was a patient. I hated having to face that over and over.

Who knows, maybe something has changed? Maybe I have realized once and for all that there is something wrong. That my husband is paralyzed and can't get himself out of bed so someone else has to do it. Maybe I am ready to face that that is not normal. Maybe I am over "normal" and trying to kill myself trying to achieve it.

Or maybe I am just being selfish.

I don't know for sure but I feel ready. Ready to try.

I am going to try to not judge myself and I would appreciate it if you dont judge me either.

I think there is an insecure part of me that worries that if I don't get him up, showered, dressed, fed etc. myself that I am not this superwoman that people make me out to be.

My friend Abby hit that point on the head.

Maybe I am ready to not care about my superwoman status just enough to cut myself some slack and not care if anyone thinks I'm a fraud.

I guess we'll see.

Facing Disability: A New Way to Connect After a Spinal Cord Injury

This is a guest post written by Annie Hambleton of Facing Disability.  This is our first guest post, and we are so happy to partner with Facing Disability!  It's a great resource for SCI families, and anyone who just has questions about how a spinal cord injury affects a person, and how they and their families manage moving on.  

When a spinal cord injury occurs, it impacts the entire family. It seems like no understands their new situation in a way to help them deal with their lives ahead. That’s why the Hill Foundation of Chicago created the new website, FacingDisability.com, to connect families facing spinal cord injuries with others who have been there before them.

FacingDisability.com has more than 1,000 videos drawn from interviews of over 100 people with spinal cord injuries, and their mothers, fathers, siblings, children and caregivers. Every person was asked the same 48 questions, such as “What was your greatest fear at first?” and “What do you wish you had known at the beginning?” It is the only place on the Internet where you can see and hear the voices of experience.

Michelle, who became quadriplegic at 21 said, “I wish I would have automatically had known that I was always going to be myself. I don't know what I thought the wheels were dramatically going to do to me, but I wish that I would have known that the things I enjoyed before, and the way I was before, was all going to be the same. I would just have to go about things in a different way.”

Jennifer, who was a teenager when her mother became quadriplegic at 42, said, “I wish I had known that this was actually going to be a better thing for her, that this really was a window opening and not a door closing for her. Even though there are periods of time when it's really hard, her life is so much better, all of our lives are so much better. The time we spend together is more special now, and we make more of a point to do things together…she's so active in so many of the things that she does, and I wish that I had known that her life was going to be better as a result of all of it.”

If you’d like to hear from someone like you, FacingDisability videos are arranged by relation to injury as well as by question. You can watch individuals with SCI, parents, spouses, sibling and children, and refine your search by level of injury (paraplegic or quadriplegic), gender of person injured and age at injury. Follow this link to see all of the FacingDisability questions and answers on living with paralysis.
There is also an “Expert” video section made up of over 200 videos from interviews with top spinal cord injury experts. Here you can find professional answers on topics most people want to know about right away, such as “Spinal Cord Injury 101,” “Transition from Hospital to Home” and “Sex and Fertility after a SCI.”

Connecting with someone who has “been there” is one of the best ways to deal with a new injury. FacingDisability has a “Peer Counseling” service, made for people who want to connect one-to-one through an anonymous email system. There is also a “Forum” section where you can ask questions, or share answers.

Finally, FacingDisability.com has over 300 of the best resource on the Internet in the “Resources” section.

FacingDisability.com was established by the Hill Foundation of Chicago. Their mission is to provide Internet-based information and support for people with spinal cord injuries and the members of their families. Connecting with the life experiences of others who have been there before often helps people find the strength and support to face their new lives ahead. For more information, contact FacingDisability at info@FacingDisability.com.

Saturday Morning Post

Well, Good Morning, y'all.
What a week it has been.
It was hard.
It was great!
But, I am glad it's over.

There's a little bit of snow on the ground and the local news is squeezed back, and freaking out.  I love watching these people on TV but boy, am I glad I am not out in it, or in the control room, trying to decide which live shot with half an inch of snow to go to next.  Lol.

My best friend, Ann, made it home from Thailand and I got to talk to her on the phone!
We're still waiting on official word on when my brother, Chris, gets home from Afghanistan, but we're getting close, and that has everyone in my family on edge.
I was in DC this week, not in South Carolina - which led to some serious campaign withdrawals!
I was actually in the office for the first time in 5 weeks - and it was slightly stressful.

Wednesday and Friday, we had home health care providers come and take care of Michael in the morning. My plan to go to the gym was tweaked a little - Wednesday I went to Starbucks.  Friday I went to work early (which I later realized was a mistake, because I ended up staying late). I am still getting used to this.
I saw a friend this week and found out she is pregnant!
Paula Deen is diabetic.
I cancelled a double date last night with another friend I haven't seen in forever because Michael and I were having a little, ahem, marriage communication hiccup.
Two GOP presidential candidates dropped out.
I decided to get back on the couponing train in order to save enough money to buy myself and Michael both iPads.  I'm excited about this goal! I love goals, I ATTACK them.
Etta James died.
I realized, yet again, that I am a control freak and part of that is my nature, but quite frankly, part of that is sinful, and I had to repent and turn from that.  Sin = never fun!

I tried Starbucks' new lighter roast.

And realized, I like my coffee dark, and bold.
And my hair, blonde.

Three out of five of my morning commutes took more than an hour. Not cool.

I made FOUR new connections online with couples who are also juggling a disabilities in their lives, and over the next week, I am going to meet THREE of these people in person. I am beyond stoked about this.

I am so excited to see what this year will bring for us, our marriage, and our ministry!  Chances are, it will be much like this last week - dreams coming true, my sin ruining some things, some of "my" plans working out, and some fizzling out, and Michael and I growing closer to God, and each other in the end. Don't you wish you could pick out the parts of life that are fun, exciting, and good and what you want, and just have those and leave the other stuff behind?

Yeah, that would be nice.

Remember, if you do a musing Saturday Morning Post yourself, link it up, here!

Managing Care and Marriage

Whenever a couple gets married there are several things to work out. One of the things Dana and I are still working through is managing my care. It's really complicated because I'm not physically able to do it, so ultimately rely on Dana for so much. For her, as she has described, she feels it's a responsibility. When I do take the reins, it is a problem.

We both have best intentions. We both want to help each other. We both want to do what we should.

This isn't a deep or raw entry. Maybe our readers have some insight. Feedback is welcome.

On the Other Side of the Media

Last week, I got a message from a friend who is in the journalism biz (for the company I used to work for) asking me if he could e-mail me some questions for an interview.  I was of course delighted, because I really want to grow this blog, and get our story out there to anyone who it can impact in a positive way.

He posted his story to WBALTV.com (that's a TV station in Baltimore, about an hour north of where we live) yesterday.  I linked to it on our Facebook page, but just in case you missed it, here it is.

I admit, it feels a little strange to read a 'news' story about myself, rather than being the one writing the news story.  But, I knew I was in good hands. :)