The Power of Simple Words

Recently we saw a conversation among several friends in our Facebook group about how under appreciated many of the wives feel as caregivers. At the bottom of it is that most of the women feel overwhelmed. Here's what they shared and things husbands should keep in mind.

Several of the wives juggle the demands of parenting, homemaking, and a job. On top of that they all--to some extent--take care of their spouse's disability-related needs. Typical tasks include dressing, exercise, bathroom care, feeding or preparing meals, medicine, doctor and therapy appointments, cleaning up accidents or wheelchair tracks, and a dozen or more others. By the time they get to bed they're exhausted. However, if their husband needs anything during the night they're still on call. It is never-ending.

Many of them understand that their husbands generally do what they can to help. These guys range in physical ability and time after injury. But many of them aren't necessarily angry with their husband.

This reminds me of a point Dana and I have made time and time again: the disability and all of the stuff that goes with it is a third person in our marriage. It helps us focus our frustration away from each other.

That said, beyond what husbands can do for our wives is what we say to our wives. Overwhelmingly, the wives said it means so much when husbands say "I love you" and "Thank you." Such a simple, but thoughtful step lightens their burden. I find Dana really appreciates when I ask her--not order her--to do something. Finally, the wives mentioned how important compliments and gratitude for the non-caregiver things are; that they like to be reminded she is your wife first.

It's so good to know this isn't rocket science. While compliments and affectionate words won't always trump the overwhelming waves of caregiving, they help fill the sails that keep our wives going.

Letters to a Paralyzed Husband: Be a Safe Place

When your partner married you they probably said something to the effect of, "in sickness and health, until death us do part." That was a big promise. Your disability really puts that commitment to the test. Every day you are faced with a type of "sickness." Yeah, it stinks to call your disability a sickness, but it is. Your spouse has taken on a lot.

The Bible encourages men to consider our wives as "the weaker vessel." I seriously do not like that interpretation. Instead, I consider my wife as precious and fragile. Just like fine china or a porcelain figurine she is something I cherish and value. I want to protect her and treat her with care. That's work for a guy.

Guys relate differently than ladies. We are tough. We are  gritty. We are downright mean. I'll confess that I don't always do well. All too often I will say something insensitive then excuse it with, "I was being funny." Apparently not too funny.

Sometimes I do pretty darn good, though. There are specific times I am careful to be extra sweet and supportive: as we turn in and during that extra-sensitive monthly time. Every night Dana curls up on my shoulder as we turn in and we talk about the day. Some times we laugh; some times we pray; some times we get into a deep conversation;  but it's our nightly routine. Then there are those monthly times when I'm extra sweet because I know my wife needs extra grace.

Despite my failures I have built a foundation of trust for my wife. Some times I do things that undermine that trust and have to repair my reputation. Other times the damage comes from something outside ourselves that shakes that trust. Again, I rebuff and shore up her faith in me with reassurance.

Our relationship still gets stronger. Dana knows I'm always in her corner. She knows she has a safe place to go when when the storms hit. We are a team. Nobody will ever be more important than her. Nobody will come between us.

Husband Makes Dinner, House Still Standing

Baked pork chop, Zataran's jambalaya mix, and steamed stir fry veggies

Tonight I cooked dinner because Dana was a little overwhelmed. She said, "mmmm, it smells good in here," as she walked through the door. It feels good to save her that half hour or so and start the night off right.

Okay, to the  menu:

• Two pork chops drizzled with Italian dressing and baked
• Zataran's jambalaya mix (no meat added)
• Stir fry veggie mix steamed in the microwave and seasoned with garlic salt and fake butter
• Tortillas with apple butter baked (for  dessert)

A Wedding Wish

Every now and then, something happens that you never could have orchestrated on your own. And I love it when that happens, because I know it is God at work around me.

A couple of months ago, I got an e-mail from Melanie.
Melanie was eager to pick my brain about so much that we had in common. She was recently engaged to Misha. Misha, like my Michael, is also a quadriplegic. There are some things about their injuries and limitations that are similar, so Melanie and I had a lot to talk about, and we hit it off right away!

Now, she's like a little sister to me! I treasure her friendship, and I like being on the "teaching" end of this, for once, because it at least makes me feel like I know what I'm doing! Haha.

YESTERDAY, THEY GOT MARRIED!!

Michael and I have prayed, and prayed for this couple.
We wish them the best of life together, as a team. Like any marriage, their marriage will face some challenges, plus some extra wild cards. Some times will be tough, some times will be hilarious, some unpredictible, but God is always with them. And so, are we.

They are the inspiration behind Michael's Letters to a Paralyzed Husband series.

Mel and Misha - CONGRATS, welcome to this wonderful married life!!! We hope to meet you one day!

Love,
Dana & Michael

Letters to a Paralyzed Husband: Find Ways to Contribute

Introduction: This is one of a series of posts inspired by the upcoming wedding of a bright-eyed couple who we met via this blog. I have thought of things we have found helpful. Some are specific to being paralyzed, but most have a kernel that applies to any marriage.

As we were chatting in bed on a recent night --bed is where we have our best chats-- D commented, "this year has been so much better than our first year." We are coming up on our second anniversary and have looked back often on all of the lessons learned. This isn't to say this year has been easier. We have actually faced many challenges on both sides. But a significant difference is how I chip in.

The first few months of our marriage D did everything. Well, I did walk the dogs. Otherwise, almost all of the chores were on her. Coming from bachelorhood was one strike against me. Guys just aren't usually as picky as the fairer gender. Another strike: I was used to home health providers doing what I needed for convenience, not laziness. Strike three was that we simply weren't used to each other's habits. So, I had some learning to do.

Here and there I noticed things I could try. For you guys with limited mobility, it's going to take patience and creativity, but pushing your own limitations is important to getting and being better. I found myself recalling that line Jack Nicholson made famous, "You make me want to be a better man." It was fairly natural as I went along. I have pointy elbows and strong shoulders which proved perfect for deep muscle massages for my tired and wound-up wife. I mess up the floors a lot so I started vacuuming, sweeping, and mopping them. I contribute to the laundry, so I started folding.

As time goes by I look back on all of the ways I've contributed: cooking dinner, running to the store, planning dog coverage for our trips, pretty good list. D is breadwinner, caregiver and wife. All too often she has to balance those roles. By chipping in --however imperfect the results-- I take away some of that pressure, making my wife's life a little easier.

Letters to a Paralyzed Husband: Be a Team

Introduction: This is the first of a series of posts inspired by the upcoming wedding of a bright-eyed couple who we met via this blog. I have thought of things we have found helpful. Some are specific to being paralyzed, but most have a kernel that applies to any marriage.

When you become a husband, your spouse is your partner for life. The familiar vows, "for better or worse," encompass about every situation you'll face in life. The most important takeaway is to face every situation together. Regardless of situations, your spouse is your most important teammate.
Our first winter together, Dana and I were eager to play in the fourteen inches of freshly-fallen snow. She bundled me up like a mommy does a little kid and got a serving spoon --she didn't know why I asked for it. By the time I was all prepped she was a frustrated mess. It was the first realization what a production just going out in the winter would be. She was done.

That's when I realized something very important. I told her, "We're a team. We're doing this together. You're not just my support crew. You're the quarterback."

During football season communities rally around their team. Fans don their gear and cheer on the players. Cheerleaders rally the crowd and the players. Coaches lead the players. The support crew supplies the players.

You and your spouse are teammates. Neither of you is a fan, watching from the bleachers. She is not your cheerleader, pumping you up for your big play. You are not the coach, telling her how to play the game. She is not your support crew, making sure you are attended to.

As a husband with a disability, you are not the one being taken care of any more. Your role is significantly changed. If you have caregivers still, they are an extension of you --like your hands, arms and legs-- but not your mind. Your life doesn't revolve around your caregivers' needs, but around what is good for your spouse.

Remember this: your spouse is your number one teammate. She's the all-star quarterback and you're the offensive lineman. Together you execute the plays. She will throw the ball sometimes (letting someone else do things you need), other times she'll run with the ball (carrying the responsibility herself). You run ahead and make sure nothing gets in her way. This means confronting people, managing and heading off snags in your day-to-day care, and making sure she feels protected.

A team requires good game plans and communication. You will face several challenges. As time goes by, you'll recognize them before they come. Your challenges are unique to your personalities and needs (physical, spiritual, social, and emotional). Talk about them and together work out how you can handle them next time.

"The best offense is a strong defense." This puts a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Your disability brings you both challenges you cannot imagine. Get this concept in your head and everything else we cover will fall in line: you are the first line of defense and essential source of security for your spouse.

We still remind ourselves when we're knee-deep in the mud that we are a team getting through this together. We went out in the snow --despite narrowly-plowed sidewalks and places D had to push me through. We played, drew in the snow, and even had a snowball fight (ergo the spoon). It was a memorable day we could have missed out on if we'd given up.

Added by Dana: We never saw that spoon again. It was lost in the snow when Michael threw one of his "snowballs" at me!