Have y'all seen the Kid President Pep Talk video?
I saw it a couple of weeks ago, and like anyone else who saw it, and is breathing, I liked it on Facebook.
This morning, I needed it.
I needed a pep talk real bad.
I am happy in our new place, and at my new job.
But I'm using mental muscles I haven't used in years, so I'm sore, and exhausted. I'm working overnights (yes, I know I said I'd never do that again... but never say never, folks. Just don't. You'll eat those words for breakfast at 9pm) which is a huge adjustment.
I've completely neglected spending quiet time praying and reading and this morning, I unfortunately became the worst version of myself. Mean, selfish, impatient, and saying some really not-nice things.
Then, I collapsed and cried.
I'm not sharing this with you because I want your pity. At the bottom of my pit this morning, I had my own pity, which – no offense – is worse than having your pity. And pity is not good. Pity is nasty, heavy goo piled on you when you're already at the bottom of the slimy pit.
No thank you on the pity.
I am sharing this with you because I can.
I used to feel like this all the time. Like I can't do this, I'm not the right person for this, I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough, and all I want to do is fall asleep and wake up with a different life.
Then, all of you came along.
And as I opened up and told you how it was for me, you told me how it was for you.
Then, something magical happened. I realized I'm not alone. I'm not the only wife who cries in the bathroom while emptying a giant bag of pee 2 minutes after rolling out of bed. I'm not the only wife who doesn't want to do that, but has to anyways, so I do it, through tears.
I don't need pity. Mom, I don't need you to worry about me. I'm fine. Really, I am. I just need some margin, and I'm going to get that today. I need to slow down, to cut myself some slack, and to wear PJ bottoms all day and drink coffee and read and write. And we may need to order dinner, even though it's Saturday, and we do have groceries. Because I'm maxed out, but I have to keep going.
This life gets really hard in some moments. And those moments hurt, and they feel deep and heavy, and in those moments, it feels like I'll never crawl out of the hole of self pity and exhaustion.
But there is fresh coffee, and lots of beautiful natural sunlight in our new house, and a fire in our fireplace. There is beauty even in the dark place. I just have to reach.
This morning, after I had my crying meltdown, and started the day over (pretending to not look at the clock) I came upstairs to my little world. I have an office on the second floor of our house. It's my own space. It's pretty and open and clean and it's white and my favorite shade of blue and my desk looks right out the window. This space is here because I need it. For times like this.
I came up here, and I pulled up the Kid President Pep Talk video on YouTube.
And I watched it like 4 times.
I smiled and I cried. I love this kid.
I love this message.
I want to memorize the whole thing – every single word, and every single dance move.
Oh, and I also want to go all Raising Arizona and just go steal that little boy.