*Because you can almost never go wrong with a picture of Brokaw.
Why is it so much easier to write when I am hurting?
It just spills out of me.
I guess it’s just how I process things.
This is exactly why whenever anyone finds my old journals when I die, it’s going to seem like a lot of whining and complaining and it will seem like I was never happy.
The reality is, I am happy. Very happy. Most of the time. Sometimes, I cry, though. Sometimes, I want to give up. It’s not fair. It’s hard. I have to give so much, and my body hurts. I am tired.
Of everyone, it seems.
I am, by nature, a very jealous person.
Dr. Phil would probably say this has something to do with the fact that I’m the middle child.
But, I’m complicated.
Because, I’m kind of the middle child, but I’m also kind of the oldest child.
My sister is my half sister, and she’s 9 years older than me, and she moved out when I was just 9 years old. So I spent 9 years being kind of the middle child, 5 years being the oldest. Then, when I was 14, my parents got divorced. I lived with my dad, and my brother lived with my mom. So then, for 3 years, I was kind of an only child. I was also kind of an adult at that time. Then I was back to being the oldest for a year. Then I went to away college.
Actually, maybe Dr. Phil wouldn’t say anything at all. Maybe he would just stare at me with a blank look on his face, as to say, “I have no idea what to think of you.”
My point is, I am very jealous by nature.
Since I was born, I have always wanted everything everyone else has. I want to be first, I want to be the best, the favorite, the center of attention. I also want to blend in, to speak last, and for everything to be my idea.
I have to be very careful to keep my attitude in check. I have to spend quite time alone with God every morning in order to be nice, and to be able to just be genuinely happy for others, and not jealous of their success, their lives that seem so easy, their ultrasound pictures, their businesses, their homes and their cars, and the fact that their husbands can dress themselves, and drive.
For about three days, I haven’t done that.
And today, BAM.
Tears in the car on the way to work.
My back was hurting, really hurting.
And my body was begging me to just slow down, take a break.
I can’t though. I have to keep going.
This is a busy time in our lives.
Good busy, though.
Not bad busy.
Nothing is wrong. We are busy because we are so blessed!
So, then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for being short tempered, for being annoyed, for complaining. Because people out there have it far worse than we do. People are burying their son/husband/father to a 9 month old baby.
If you can be a jealous complainer while simultaneously loving and caring for someone who can’t even move 75% of their body, you seriously deserve some sort of blue ribbon award for your ability to be jealous. Clearly, you have risen above challenges, and your jealousy is unstoppable.
That, is me.
I love/hate Facebook.
I love that it keeps me in touch with my family, my best friend who lives in Thailand, and the little girl I played Barbies with when I was 8 years old because our grandparents lived next door to each other.
But I hate how it makes me feel sometimes.
Scratch that. I hate how challenging it makes it for me to keep my own feelings in check.
Ultrasound pictures have to be the worst.
Now, if you have a picture of your ultrasound on Facebook, please know that I don’t hate you or your unborn baby. I am, in fact, VERY happy for you and your husband and that little peanut.
But, I sigh when I see those pictures. And the pictures of growing bellies and nurseries and the videos of you cutting into a cake to see if it’s pink or blue, and pictures of your kid eating his first oatmeal, or sitting in those crazy looking Bumbo seats. Those are weird.
Because I want that.
Even though I KNOW right now is not the time.
I can barely take care of my husband and my two jobs and the blog that we write is growing like crazy, and that’s really where my heart is right now anyways.
And we live in an apartment. Where would we even put a baby and who would watch it while I work all day and commute to and from work?
And I’m fat right now. That just complicates things.
This is so frustrating to want something so badly, but to also know there is NOTHING I can do about it. I obviously can’t make myself pregnant. I can’t strap a baby to myself , take care of my husband and drive and work and travel with a baby strapped to me. Duh.
But I can do something.
I can be very happy for you.
And I can simultaneously take a step back.
Rest in His peace, that’s always there – even when I’m not walking in it.
I can be in awe of everything that we do have.
A strong marriage.
An apartment that is in a safe part of town.
An SUV that’s in working order.
Health, in general.
A job that I absolutely love that I get to do with people who love the Lord and love me.
An opportunity to do some extra work and bring in some extra income, while building a great skillset and making great contacts that could really help me out in the future.
A blog that has become a resting place for so many other people in our situation who just need to know so badly, that they aren’t alone.
Fresh fruits and vegetables.
My sight and hearing.
My relative youth.
The fact that we are going to Virginia Beach this weekend, and that I will get to see my husband do something he never would have even thought about doing, and definitely something that never would have crossed my mind – SURF.
The fact that Sunday, we will see Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw in concert, thanks to a great Living Social deal.
The fact that my sister is my best friend in the world.
And the fact that we are about to be blessed with a van from some dear friends who are so young, yet so mature beyond their years, and I’m blessed to even be associated with them.
Without whom, I’d be stuck being a miserable, fat pile of bitter jealousy.
Jesus changes everything.
And the fact that I don’t HAVE to be on Facebook to exist and I can turn it off for a few days.
Michael just e-mailed me this, as I was writing. I am not even kidding you. Amen:
May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. May we shout for joy over your victory and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. (Psalm 20:1-5, 7 NIV)