Another entry straight from my journal. I wrote this yesterday morning:
Last night, Michael and I had dinner with some good friends from church, Joe and Lisa. We laughed together. Talked about life and memories and marriage and theology. And we ate Greek salads and Michael and I split a steak and cheese.
I went to bed hungry.
I’m sure my stomach is still stretched out from the Iowa State Fair, and multiple trips to Cold Stone Creamery.
I just got back from Iowa on Sunday.
And, in a couple of weeks, I’ll be headed to California. Likely on our anniversary, actually.
I really do love traveling for my job.
I totally get a rush when I’m at live campaign events, and I love covering debates!
And, I’ve even gotten completely used to leaving Michael in the care of others.
That adjustment has been slow, but steady.
And the last couple of trips, I can honestly say I haven’t worried over him, or cried about it one bit!
This last trip was filled with friends helping him. I was so resistant to that at first. I still understand why, and I don’t blame myself, but I’m glad I’m over it because Michael is a really social person, and he loves having people over.
Plus, it leads to great surprises for me, like a new dining room light fixture!
Not to mention the hundreds of dollars it saves us.
Okay, deep breath.
I found out last night, there’s a good chance I could be gone three times in September and two times in October. This is really exciting! And, scary. Because we live on a tight budget here in the one income Ritter house, and it scares us (read: me) to death that we won’t be able to afford to pay for the home health care that we still need to pay for in the mornings, even though friends are helping out at night.
Michael is the sweetest, most supportive husband in the world. He wants to figure it out. He doesn’t want to hold me back, doesn’t want to be a burden, wants to make money so he can pay for this stuff.
And then there’s me. I don’t want my dream to be a drain on our finances. I don’t want our life to revolve around my work, even though I think that ship has already sailed.
We both want to protect each other.
So, here we are. Up against a dream come true vs. an impossible odd. Time to pray, right? So, we did. Last night. Right there in the SUV in the parking lot of our apartment complex.
We still don’t have any answers, but we do have some ideas.
And when we were praying, I had that nudge, once again, that God wants to use us. Could this be the crisis of faith that will force us into obedience?
I am trying to be obedient in the little things, but I struggle, like anyone else with wanting to be comfortable, and being selfish, and wanting control.
I feel like we’re in this place that is scary and comforting at the same time. Scary because I don’t know what is next for our journey, but I know it is something God wants to do. Comforting because I know He has a plan.
So, today, I take a step. I admit that it’s okay that I don’t fully understand the how, or the why, or the when, or even the what.
I will take a deep breath, and praise the Lord with my life, ask Him to protect my little brother and his men today, to ease my mother’s anxiety, to continue to provide for our needs, and to bless our families and to be with my dear friend Ann and the new believers she is discipiling, like I do every morning.
I’ll drink my coffee, get Michael ready, get ready myself and go to work. I pray I will be an encouragement to others, that I will glorify God with my words, actions, and thoughts. Ask for forgiveness for some of my thoughts. Plan, and read and write stories. Commute home, fix dinner, and relax with the most excellent blessing I’ve ever received in my life.
I know that God has me right where He has me. I knew when I started dating Michael that we would end up getting married. I knew that God wanted to do something in us and through us. I know that God has blessed me with gifts and talents to be a producer, and he plucked me into “ministry” when I wasn’t even looking, and has been making my dreams come true left and right over the last two years.
I also know that I could never do all of this in my own strength and/or talent. Yes, I am physically strong. And yes, I am excellent at time management. However, I think what I’ve got going on in this life here is definitely over the line as far as how much one person should be able to handle.
Note: After I wrote this, I read my devotion for the day, and this was the verse
"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:19