On Taking Out The Trash

You see this picture, here?
It looks like a trash can, right?

Well, it's not just that.
It's so much more.

Because my husband put it there.
My husband, who is paralyzed from the chest down, thank you very much.

This is how this went down.

I got a text message with the above picture and the caption, "Your hubby took out the trash."
To which, I replied, of course, "Whoa. How did u do that?"
Michael's answer: "Awesomeness."

I LOVE HIM!

I immediately started imagining how in the world he did this, without landing on the ground, covered in trash, Brokaw rolling around in it and eating coffee grounds.

Then, I stopped myself.
And I just enjoyed the simple beauty that is the fact that my husband took the trash can to the curb.

This is one of those little things that I don't think about a lot, but I just do over and over, and I assumed I would do it over and over for years and years until we had a kid, and that kid was old enough/strong enough/probably paid in some way to take the trash out to the curb.

But just like this, on a random Thursday morning, my world changed.

I'm not saying he will always take the trash out, or that I expect him to. That's totally not the point.

The point is that I am so blessed to be married to a guy who never gives up, never stops getting better, getting stronger, and finding ways to take care of me.

I love the trash guy.

And for the record, I still can't figure out how he did it.

Seven Years of Turkey Legs

Today is Brokaw's 7th birthday!

I can't believe this little guy has been in my life for 7 years. He still acts like a puppy.
And that's totally my fault.
I love him too much.

Giveaway: Thirty One Large Utility Tote

Hello, friends! Remember when I wrote my eBook, launched it, then completely fell off the earth?

Yeah.
About that.

I'm sorry.
You know that phrase, "you bit off more than you could chew?"
Welcome to my life.

Anyway.
I'm back!
And I have a really fun giveaway to share with you today!

It's a Large Utility Tote from Thirty One.

I actually have one of these bags, and it is great! I've used it for trips, moving, groceries, you name it.

It's big enough to hold lots of stuff, but it also collapses for easy storage!

I have to thank my friend Heather for sponsoring this giveaway. Heather is a caregiver to her boyfriend, Colin, who is a paraplegic.  We had the honor of meeting them last year and they are a great couple.

You can check out Heather and Colin's blog here.

And Heather's Thirty One shop here.

Now, here's the deal with this Giveaway.

All you have to do is buy the eBook (it's totally fine if you've already bought it) and send me a receipt to my email: danabrownritter@gmail.com.

You can buy the book here.

I'll keep this giveaway open until 12:00pm on Thursday, April 18th, and I'll announce the winner on Friday, April 19th. 

I will just choose the winner randomly.

If you've participated in other eBook related giveaways, that's totally fine! Feel free to enter this one, too!

I want to thank y'all so much for all of your support with the eBook project, and these giveaways are just a fun way to do that.

Cherry Blossoms in our own Neighborhood

This morning I took Brokaw for a walk in our neighborhood. It was beautiful. I wanted to share a few pictures of the cherry blossom trees with you. I hope you enjoy.

Happy Spring!

Good morning from my spot on the couch!
It's been a while.

I really miss blogging. I wish I had more time to do it, but unfortunately there are lots of super fun adult things I need to do like vacuum out my SUV, taxes, and chop vegetables.

I should go to the gym today, but I don't know if I will. Someone, please - make me! Recently, my sister and I bought Cross Fit Groupons, but I feel like I need to go to the gym a few times before going there to try it. You know, kind of like how you have to clean your house before the cleaning lady comes?

There is a little brown dog beside me who won't get more than 6 inches away from me. I think he seriously thought we were never coming home.

The washer and dryer are humming, catching up on all that vacation laundry.

I hope to finish Joni & Ken's book today. It was released the other day. It hits home so hard, I've had to put it down a couple of times and walk away.

Oh, and remember my eBook? Yeah... well, I still have some giveaways to do to promote it. Kind of dropped the ball on those. Hopefully you'll see them on here soon - or maybe I'll just keep teasing it and never actually doing anything.

Eeek.
Cheers.
Happy Saturday!

Goodbye, Vacation

Good morning from the green chair/ottoman near the window of the Hilton Garden Inn in Charleston, SC.

I have a hot cup of Maxwell (oy) beside me, the Today Show on TV (double oy) and a sleeping husband under a pile of blankets on the king sized bed in the middle of this accessible room.

I love him.

I love that he wanted me to wake up early, get some coffee, and have some time to myself, before starting the day.

Before taking care of him.

Before dealing with things like bed bags, and gait belts, and lantiseptic.  
Bless his heart.

This is our last full day of vacation, and I’m exhausted.
Overwhelmed with joy.
Reminded of what it’s like to fall in love with Michael.

We fell in love and became an us during a series of vacations.
Texas.
Arkansas.
North Carolina.
Virginia Beach.
DC.

All adventures that weren’t crowded with work and demands of every day life.
Apparently, that’s the environment where we do best.

Great. Because that’s sustainable, right?

We’re going home this afternoon.
I miss Brokaw.
He is my best good buddy, and I just know that he’s shed two thirds of his fur on top of the arm chair in the living room.

Tomorrow morning, I’ll be on a manager-on-call conference call, performing my husband’s bathroom routine, dealing with a barking dog, and washing that puggle hair covered chair cover.

Bliss.

I want to find more balance in my life.
I know, doesn’t everyone?

But - seriously.
Since we’ve moved, I have become SO focused on my job. Which is great. I love my job.

But, recently, I've learned that it’s not the JOB that makes me obsessed with work, even while I’m not there. It’s ME. 
That kind of sucks, because I don’t like to be the root of any problem.
But, it’s also kind of great, because I can do something about it.

Now, I just need to figure out what to do. 

This Is Not Okay

I just don't know if I can get past this.

I keep feeling numb. And empty. And angry. And just... stumped.

Even now, I stare at this empty computer screen. Knowing. Knowing that I need to write about this in order to be able to move on. In order to process the pain. In order to honor my friend.

And yet, nothing comes out.

Because, as Siobhan says, there are no words.

The other day, I went to Target. I simultaneously bought two cards to celebrate the upcoming birth of my little brother's baby boy, and two sympathy cards.

Disbelief.

Why am I standing in this aisle at Target, staring at sympathy cards? Sympathy cards, in their sea of light blue, and silver, and italics. Like any piece of paper can do a loss like this justice. Sympathy cards are the worst. How in the world can the writers at Hallmark know what to say any better than we do? How in the world do you comfort a mother, and a fiance who shouldn't be saying goodbye?

I bought two cards, anyway. I hate them. I hate this whole situation.

Tomorrow, Michael and I will get up early, and drive to Walter Reed to go to Derek's honor ceremony. I am just sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I can't imagine driving through that gate... without bringing a bunch of food for him and Krystina. Without laughing with them, and hanging out, sharing stories, and reading Derek's writing, and talking about politics.

I was standing in the kitchen last week when I got the text message from his mom that he had passed away. The no-words thing started then. I couldn't form words. I just walked into the living room, and handed Michael my phone. Within seconds, I was on my knees on the floor, my head in Michael's lap, crying. He stroked my hair. He wrote text messages I couldn't, and he was so strong for me.

I called my mom, and we wept. I called my sister. Michael called my dad.
I knew I had to get a hold of my brother, who is overseas.

I had to go to work that night. I didn't even bother with make-up.
I remember sitting in my SUV in the driveway, seeing the garage door close on the van that Derek and Krystina gave us.

I'll never forget that day I was in my hotel room in Salt Lake City, and my phone rang and it was Derek, telling us they were going to give us the van. What an unbelievable, life-changing blessing it has been in our lives.

The song playing on the radio as I drove to work that night went something like: "You make all things work together for my good," it was that song "Your Love Never Fails."

Songs like this in times like this are tough. Because sometimes, no matter how deep and strong your faith is, it's SO HARD to believe, because things like this are not okay!

It's not okay that Derek, a healthy, strong, young man stepped on two IEDs in Afghanistan, was blown up, went through SO MUCH to fight to keep his life, only to lose it out of nowhere.

It's not okay that a week ago, Krystina was planning her dream wedding, and now she is canceling everything, and saying goodbye.

It's not okay that Siobhan has lost so much, her life, her job - getting Derek to where he was, and now next week, she will be handed a folded flag.

It's not okay that Jessica Allen has to tell her two little girls that Derek is gone.

It's not okay that I have to tell my brother that his Army brother is gone.

It's not okay that I will know this name when it pops up in my work email inbox as a DOD casualty notification.

It's not okay for Derek. It's not okay for any of these young men and women. It's not okay for their families and their friends and the medical teams that work so tirelessly to save them, and their military brothers and sisters that they serve with.

It's not okay!

This sucks!

And I do have faith. I do. I do believe that Derek is whole now, is not hurting, and is at peace. I do believe that all things work together for good in the end. But right now, it doesn't feel good. Right now, it's not okay.

And I don't know when it will be okay.

I know this.
I am changed for knowing Derek. And Krystina and Siobhan.
I am changed, for the better.

I know that for the wounded, the fight never ends.
I want to always be a part of the healing.
And I challenge you to be a part of it, too.

We have to take care of our warriors, you guys! We MUST.

Grieving the Loss of our Wounded Warrior

Last night we received word that our friend Derek had passed away.

We met Derek in summer of 2011 when he was admitted to Walter Reed in Maryland. He was injured in an IED blast in Afghanistan serving with Chris, Dana's brother.

In the first few months Derek's mom and girlfriend hardly left his bedside. They ate cafeteria food or fast food and slept in the base motel or his room. We took them meals, visited them, and did our best to encourage them.

To say Derek was injured doesn't do him justice. He lost both legs and almost lost his right arm. Doctors pulled off a medical marvel piecing him together. But he worked tirelessly the past two years.

Alongside were Siobhan and Krystina. They were there for Derek and others in the ward. They supported their fellow warriors and their families. They lived through the victories and hardships.

The past year--despite many medical and bureaucratic hurdles--his life, no, their lives moved forward.

Siobhan moved home, but was still around.

Derek proposed to Krystina. They moved to an apartment. He learned to walk on prosthetics. They received a new, wheelchair-accessible van (giving us their old one). They planned their discharge in the next few weeks. They planned their dream wedding. They were going home!

But Monday morning Krystina was unable to wake Derek.

In tribute she wrote,

You gave me the best 6 years I could have ever asked for with someone. I know you'll always be with me. I tried everything I could to help you today. I hope you know that, I'm so sorry. :[ I will always love you. 

Caregivers pour so much of their lives into their loved one. In the midst of being attendant, advocate, and cook they still remain parent, lover, spouse, or friend.

We grieve with Krystina and Siobhan and their family in their loss. They have worked so hard these two and a half years toward his homecoming. It isn't fair. They deserve his homecoming and their future.

While our lives go on, they are left with a chasm of indescribable loss. We ache for them. We are angry for them. We stand with them. We love them.

On Intimacy, And Being Married to Your Best Friend

Sometimes,  I feel like we've been married forever, and I can't even remember what my life was like before.

Sometimes he says something and I think, "Who are you?" because I feel like even now, coming up on 4 years of marriage, we're still getting to know each other.

But, we've been together long enough for me to know:

-that he likes salt on his fries
-that he is fiercely protective of me, he even tries to protect me from myself
-that he is really sweet, down to his core, and it comes naturally to him
-that if he's mad or frustrated or short-fused, something is up
-that God, a good talk, and a glass of wine can fix a lot

We have had a lot going on lately. Especially with transitioning to a new place, and my new job which means being up at crazy hours. Michael has been such a champ.

I hate to see anything mess with him. It makes me want to get out my baseball bat. And I happen to have an awesome swing.

I want to obliterate anyone/anything that makes life difficult for him.
And, sometimes, if I can, I do.

But there are sometimes that we can't fight our spouse's battles physically.
But - we can pray!

Last night, Michael shared something he was going through recently with me, along with this verse:

James 4:10: Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up."

We ended up having a deep conversation about things that we are both going through.
The way best friends do.

I am forever thankful for our ability to have that kind of intimacy.
It is a gift.

Now - I'm going to go get my best friend up for the day, and I'm going to see to it that he gets out of this house, and has some FUN today! I think I'm going to buy him a prize or two, too.

He deserves it.
I look up to him more than he realizes, and I learn from him all the time.

Chocolate Cream 3.14

Today a lot of friends posted about the date being 3/14.

In math 3.14 is a magical number Pi.

I posted in Facebook I was craving some "chocolate cream 3.14".

Look what my awesome wife brought home!