Saturday, February 25, 2017

Saturday Morning Post, 2017 Edition

I haven't done one of these posts in years. But, here I am on the edge of my gray couch. Coffee to my right, next to my journal and the 6-week Bible Study I've been doing since November. Classical music playing, Michael still sleeping and Brokaw content with his blankie.

Saturday Morning Posts are where I take a deep breath, the tips of my fingers hit the keyboard, and we just see what happens. In the words of a Presidential tweet, "Enjoy!"

I can see the Pentagon from this perch. Isn't that unreal? Michael and I just have to pinch ourselves sometimes. Last night we ate out and walked home. We love living in this neighborhood so much.

I love my new job. Yes, it's overwhelming. It always is in the beginning. Like Hope Floats says, "Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So when you find yourselves at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

I had a tough week, emotionally. Well - I guess it was the last two weeks, really. The Facebook pregnancy announcements are killing me! I mean, there is even a giraffe having a baby! I hate that it stings. I am happy for my friends that they have achieved the gold medal. That they have new life on the way. I promise, I am happy for them.

It's just, at the same time, it makes my emptiness feel so urgent. Like when you don't think your'e hungry but then you see an IHOP commercial and then you're like "oh dang I am starving and I need a giant stack of pancakes right now." Except it's not pancakes, it's this life changing opportunity to love like you never have before and this giant responsibility you feel like for some reason you haven't been trusted for. You haven't been picked for the team and it hurts, hurts, hurts. 

I think it was the Facebook announcements. But maybe it's because I wrote the check this week to continue paying off the IVF attempts that didn't work for us. Or maybe it's because I started my period, which every month seems like a cruel reminder of emptiness.

Whatever it was, I want it to go away. I want to be free from this. I want to be free to just be happy for people without thinking of myself. I'm praying for that. God, change the desire of my heart. Help me defer my hope.

I do believe God has a plan for us and our family. I do believe I am right where I am supposed to be right now. I'm so thankful for this new opportunity professionally. I want to use the talents and gifts He has given me for His purposes. I love that Michael and I have more time as "just us," and I want to soak up this season for every moment and memory we can.

I will continue to snuggle my baby dog, Brokaw.  I'll continue hoping. I won't stop dreaming. But it would be great if the emotional part of it could just work with me.


bettyC said...

I am so glad you're back. When you get a chance / if you want, tell us about where you live. How handicap friendly it is.

Somehow you're a connection to my past. My ALS husband has been gone for 3 years. I miss being a caregiver.

The E of you are in my prayers.

Erin G. said...

I don't have all the right words to say but just know that I am sorry and my heart hurts for you that you aren't able to have a child yet. That is such a hard place. Such a hard place. I will pray that God will hold you up each day. Big hugs to you.

Rhemajoy said...

Oh, I so feel this way so often I do have 2 children from a previous marriage. They are grown. I unexpectedly ended up raising them without a father figure because their dad walked away. When I met my current husband of 7 years (who is a paraplegic), my children were grown. I now have 2 grandchildren that he is not attached to at all. He isn't really attached to my kids and they have never bonded with his family. I never had a romantic wedding proposal and as you may know, I had to learn to sacrifice after we got married. I see couples doing things that I know we can never do. I too have been in the place you are in this post, except different ways. I totally get that feeling of wanting to be a (good Christian) and be happy for people instead of reminded of what I long for but don't have. But, remember, we are human and this is a natural and very normal response to grief. It's okay as long as we don't forget to remember our blessings and the One who gave up everything for us. He understands too. He is rich in mercy and abounding in love. It is the trials in life that make us stronger and He uses it all for good. I can't identify with your situation, but I truly can identify with how you are feeling. God bless you.