Monday, November 17, 2014

A Confession: No Longer Who I Was

I am a girl who appreciates order and color coordination. I am on time, I wake up before my alarm, I read three newspapers every morning and I'm generally annoyingly prepared for anything.

I am a girl who knows what she wants. Once I figure that thing out, I go after it with my whole heart and I almost always get it.

I'm not that familiar with failure. Or heartbreak.

I think that's why you saw me pouring my heart out over coffee and tears here in this blog space a few years ago. Because I met my match. The thing I couldn't outwit, couldn't out perform, couldn't get in front of, couldn't change: my husband's disability.

I have heard from so many of you who tell me my words could be your words. That I gave you a voice. That I inspired you to love your husband and admit that it's hard at the same time. Girls, that gave me so much strength to walk this walk on the days I didn't want to wake up. Thank you.

Thank you for being the community that didn't even exist when I first needed it. Thank you for the flowers and cards and text messages and blogs of your own and pictures of ways to make the little things in life accessible.

We are the quad wife sisters and no one can ever take that away from us. But I have to be honest with you. I've changed.

I am no longer the girl who cries all the time. I'm no longer the girl whose heart is broken when the church people fall all over themselves to help him while the door slams in my face. I am no longer the girl whose hair is falling out and skin is broken out and can't take all of the pressure of doing it all around the house.

A lot has changed. It changed a little bit at a time. I think that's called healing.

What I'm not saying is it's all better. I still have days I cry on the floor. I still have outbursts of anger and fights with God that include lots of "Why?" questions. I still miss the memories I'll never have. I have moments where I see my life as if I'm looking at it from the outside and I can't help but feel a little bit sorry for us. But mostly, I'm just generally happy with what we have.

It's healing. I'm sure of it. I want this for all of you, too. I believe it will come. I think you have to feel it for it to heal, though. So please, poke around here in the archives and cry with me. I'll cry with you. This experience has fundamentally changed who I am. And I'm glad. I'm a better person for it. I never would have made it here without all of you.

But I felt like it was time I came clean. My life is full and disability and caregiving is a part of it but it's no longer the main character. I don't know what that means for this blog. It may be a little more random in the days to come. Less focused? I'm not sure. My boss tells me I suck at poker face. Guess what? I suck at poker face writing, too.

So, I'll write from where I am and you can read from where you are and hopefully, we'll connect some where in the middle and encourage each other to bravely do the hard things and to love like this.

5 comments:

robyn brooks said...

Dana, I admire your courage. And his, too. It must be a challenge for him to live with someone, day in and day out that has capabilities that will never be his. I'm sure he had to let go of memories he would never have long ago. God has called the two of you to a unique ministry few are privileged to experience. And it is a privilege if God calls you to it. Continue to be excited with the possibilities. Be expectant for what God will do. Know always that He will provide your needs constantly. Even ones you didn't know about. Love y'all!

Me! said...

To be honest, I find myself in a similar spot in our life; healed or at least partially healed. I find it a strange new land and one that I don't quite know how to live in since I'm used to being the victim. Trust me, I LOVE it. But having so much sunlight after so much darkness means I just have to wear some sunglasses for a bit... I'll get used to it. I'm so thankful that you are too. And I'm so thankful for you. Thank you for being brave.

Kristen Joy said...

Hiiii Dana! I was just thinking the other day that it'd been a while (I think?) since you posted here. I know it's been a while since I commented, at least. And while we're on social media together and stuff, I enjoy connecting with you guys about the "real" here the best. :)
It's happy to read this! And what a great reason to not feel like blogging that much anymore, right?!
I'm not sure where you are with plans on writing a book these days, but really, to me...THIS is a great place to be able to write your story from. EVERYONE in a similar place HOPES (and frankly, doubts) they may reach the place it sounds like you've found. So what awesome hope you will be able to give them!
Kristen Maddux

Allison said...

I know what you mean. Somehwere amidst all the chaos came a peace and gentle rhythm that I trust only the Lord can give. It's wonderful, and even if things aren't how I may want them to a T, things are good. And we are good. And nights are peaceful and days are predictably sweet. Enjoy this season!

Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] said...

I understand this, a lot. When I started getting serious about blogging, I thought talking about disability was the way to go . . . but the thing is, I am so much more than just a girl in a wheelchair. Just like your marriage is so much more than your honey's wheelchair.

That's the beauty of blogging, isn't it? It is as fluid and as stable as we need it to be. It changes with us, it reminds us of where we've been, and it helps us look forward to where we're going.

Lots of love to you. xoxo