I’m one cup of coffee into this Sunday morning and I’m thinking back on yesterday, and all of its glory and how it ended in heartbreak.
I like to process and it’s a lot to process and my neck is tense and Michael is still asleep and Brokaw is snout snoring beside me, and I can feel it getting colder outside by the moment and I hate that.
I write run-on sentences before my second cup of coffee, just so you know. Standby for rambling.
The clock just crossed one minute over the church threshold. You know the church threshold, right? Like two minutes ago, it would have been possible to run around here like a tasmanian devil, get my husband up and dressed, throw him in his wheelchair, then in the van, swallow a bite of breakfast, and speed to church.
But now it’s 8:02 a.m., and we are going to the 11:00 a.m. service.
So, I can breathe. Fire up the Keurig for another cup, and exhale here in this place, my little chunk of the internet.
Let’s talk about yesterday.
It started as a bit of a struggle. I wish I skipped down the street singing Pharrell’s “Happy.” Sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I don’t. Almost always the thing that stops me is stress.
I’m horrible at letting stress run my life. Boundaries are a joke in my world. This must change. Will you pray for me as I sincerely try to let go of some things, lean into my faith, and trust God? That I will once and for all know and live in this idea of joy that is not ruined by circumstances? That what I know in my heart about being set free will float up to my brain and cut off the blood flow to that part of my brain that is constantly timing things, scheduling things, double checking things and thinking that it’s totally possible for me to be in two or three places at once?
The madness needs to stop.
I know it’s on me. I am the author of the madness.
I know I also have access to THE author of my life and the universe, and I need to calm it down and stop trying to run the world.
I don’t have time to run the world.
I’m considering playing this video first thing every morning when I’m getting Michael up, and forcing myself to be happy.