Sunday, July 28, 2013

Anticipation

We've reached the days of my brother's girlfriend's pregnancy where we are all sleeping with one eye open, constantly checking for missed calls and text messages.

Baby Caplin Warren Brown could come any day now.

I'm so happy.
I can't wait to see my little brother become a dad.

But I would be lying to you if I said it doesn't sting.
Because it does.

Michael and I have been very open about our challenges in the baby-making department. Heck, we even went on national television to talk about it!

Well guess what? It still hasn't happened.
We really need to get down to the business of trying.
And we plan to do that by the end of the year.
So, it's no surprise that it hasn't happened.
But, it still stings.

I cried my eyes out when I found out that my brother was going to have a baby. I'll never forget it.
I was in the middle of an interview for a story about a non-profit decorating veterans' homes for Christmas. Chris called twice. I ignored the calls, then he sent me a text message.

"I'm having a baby."

I took a deep breath, turned my phone over in my lap, and continued with the interview.

I got in my SUV, texted him back congratulations, called my mom and cried, and pulled into the parking lot of a Starbucks, so I wasn't driving and crying.

I didn't actually go in and get anything, though. Isn't that funny? I just sat in the parking lot, crying, and fogging up the windows.

For about a week, I was so mad at God. How could this be happening? Why can't I make my mom a grandmother? Friends and family, and Michael comforted me.

Life went on.
Chris and Brandy came to visit and we went on the White House Holiday Tour.

He left to go overseas for his work.
I interviewed for, and accepted a new job.
Moved back home.
Did the TV show.
Found out that we WILL be able to have a baby, one way or another, one day.
Work consumed me.
I started working out, I've lost almost 30 pounds.

I was there as Brandy cut the cake and Chris watched via FaceTime to find out that little bump was a BABY BOY.
I have prayed and prayed for this child.
I was there as Brandy opened a million gifts at her baby shower, and I cried when her friend read a line from Chris during a game about making my mom a grandmother.
It's been a season of joy and anticipation.
This little CWB is so loved, already.

Now - if he will only come out and join us... so the real spoiling can begin!
Isn't he cute?

In the last week or so, I've been doubled over, feeling so sad that it's not my turn. And I hate that, but I admit it - it's the truth.

Look - let me be clear. I love my brother. I absolutely love Brandy. I know she is a great mother, and that he will be a great father, and I can't wait for the new life that baby CWB will add to our family.

I don't mean to make this all about me.
But this is my blog.
And I can't help but be real here.
That's why this thing exists.

I know I have more praying to do.
Because when I hold Caplin, and I look into his squinty little newborn eyes, I want pure joy. Pure love. Pure proud aunt vibes.

I don't want the sting.
I don't want the disappointment.
This is not his fault.
Or anyone else's.
He is exactly who and whose he is supposed to be.

This is my battle.
This is my journey.
And one day - it will be my turn.

One day, everywhere I look, there won't be pregnant women everywhere I turn and royal babies and ads on Facebook asking me if I'm about to be a mom.

Or maybe there will be, but I will be one of them, so I will escape the sting.

I don't know.

It's going to be a big week.
And I want it to all be good.

So, I sleep with one eye open.
I pray.
And we all wait with great anticipation.

4 comments:

Simple Obedience said...

When you have your turn, it will eclipse all those stinging moments. We have a two year old boy and even now, I feel a tinge of jealousy as I see many of my friends already having their second or third. I think contentment is more about gratitude than what you do or do not have. I love how open and honest and raw you are. You are such a blessing to so many people. Prayers for your turn being sent from Missouri. :)

Jenn said...

I love your blog and how you own your feelings! You are so real and raw..more people should be like you! Head up girl!!!

Morgan said...

Dana I love you honesty in this post. This hits close to home for me. I write in tears because this has been my life over the last year and half.

Over the last 15 months I have become the very PROUD Auntie of 3 beautiful Nieces, another niece is due in September, and another one due before the end of the year. I tell each and every one of them that the best Job in the world is being their Auntie. However, all I have ever dreamed about was being a mom. This has always been my life goal. I mean graduating from college is cool, A career is great, making money is Awesome, but being a Momma is all I have ever dreamed of. I planned to be well on my way at 29 to having babies and building a large family. It is hard I think for others to understand this empty feeling that happens when they tell me "I am Pregnant". It also seems so unfair that we have to work so hard at it. We have been trying since January with nothing.

A year and a half ago when one of the above told me she was pregnant I was so happy for them. It did sting thought because all we had ever talked about was being pregnant together. However, not all was lost she would have more and we could still be pregnant together. It still hurt, but it is all good. When she told me she was pregnant again, that not fair. She will be a momma twice in under 2 years. Ouch.

During the same time as above another one came to me and told she was pregnant (unplanned) I was happy for her, I was willing to be there for her, and do what was needed to support her. In fact this one and the one above, due dates were the same day. I was there when my beautiful niece was born and was the first to hold her. It was amazing and so beautiful. This one came to me in January and said she was pregnant again unplanned. Those two babies will be 18 months apart. Are you freaking Kidding me, again another person gets to be a momma twice in under 2 years.

During this time my husband's sister became pregnant our niece was born just under a month ago. She is beautiful . This was hard on both of us. It wasn't fair she had already made his mom a grandma. When will it be our turn. I think what hurts the most is that they don't feel that we will make them grandparents. Just recently my husband heard a comment that I believe stung him to the core and something I suspected had been said before. It was during a conversation about the new baby and how much stuff she was buying or doing. It was said "these are the only grandbabies that I will be having so..."

It was hard the first time around hearing about the babies but I tried to put up a strong front. This time it is harder. I am happy for them, I really am. However, it's hard to show that when you are so sad for yourself. I just wish the people around me got that. That they understand that feeling of being empty that I feel. That while I'm happy for them, I am heartbroken for us. I want to say again being an Auntie is the BEST job on the planet and I love each of those girls with my whole heart. I would do anything for them. I know God has a plan and that his plans are far greater that what we have for ourselves. I trust that there is something bigger waiting for us. We did just get licensed to be foster care parent this month and will hopefully be taking placement soon. For me it's not about being pregnant and having a baby as much as it is about being a mom(granted that would be nice). I tell my husband that maybe God's plan is for us to find our family another way to provide a home for children who don't have one. I am ok with that plan. :) Again thank you for your honesty and putting this out there.

Kristen Maddux said...

WELL. We all know I have left many comments about myself and this issue on YOUR blog ;) so I won't belabor my woes with this issue here again.
I will just say, however, that I daily go thru my facebook homepage promptly hiding any and all pregnancy/ultrasound/newborn/belly growing/squee!-we're-so-excited!/otherwise adorable baby updates. And that's all I have to say about that. ;)