Sometimes, after a deep, cathartic post like I wrote the other day, I have nothing left in me to write for a while. I'm tapped out.
There is peace and quiet in our home this morning, and that is wonderful. We don't have anywhere to be at any particular time today, so we will probably just chill here.
It's chilly outside, and that makes me want to make soup, or a casserole, and bread. And I have two butternut squash from last week's Arganica delivery that I need to do something with today. I digress.
Every time I sit down, I hear this apartment tell me how it really needs a deep, deep cleaning. Like, move the furniture cleaning. And I want to do that, I really do. But, I don't know, I just don't do it.
I wish we had more closet space. I really think I could stay more organized with more closet space. Shoot, I wish my closet wasn't broken half the time.
Other random thoughts this quiet, cool made-for-football Saturday morning:
1. I LOVE Michael's new wheelchair. We have had it for like a week and a day, and it has already been life changing. There is so much truth to the importance of the right tools!
2. We saw "Soul Surfer" last night and I liked it. I even stayed awake the whole time, can you believe it? It brought back a lot of memories for Michael from when he broke his neck, and we had one of those long, deep, detailed conversations in bed last night. Those conversations we used to have all the time when we were dating long distance and we talked and talked on the phone. Those conversations aren't as common now. Busy life gets in the way. But it was nice. Intimate. And, like any husband and wife, I probably liked it more than he did. But, it was nice. I love that man.
I told him he should blog about the movie, and the memories.
Well, this isn't the view right now, because right now, he's chewing a bone, so he won't disturb my quiet Saturday morning.
But, this was Brokaw the other night, when I was just getting back from Florida. We were waiting for Daddy to finish brushing his teeth, etc. Brokaw tried to steal Daddy's spot.
Don't say I didn't warn you. This is raw healing. Spurred by Sunday's message.
It’s after Noon on a Wednesday. And, I’m home alone. Still in my PJ pants.
And, after a couple of weeks of great swings – high and low – I am making peace with my God.
The first of many tears that will come as I write this are coming now. I am pregnant with tears. About to bust.
I have to be still. So that I can know Him.
I have to admit that I am so full of pride, I leave no room for Him. I have to confess that I am insecure. And full of jealousy. And greed. And relentless selfishness.
I've been suffering greatly with anxiety for the past week or so. And Jealousy. And Insecurity. The whole deal.
Plus, there was the whip lash of coming off a mountain overlooking the Hollywood sign, and taking on my caregiving responsibilities. All in about an 8 hour period.
Sometimes, I get lost in the in between. Because, if being on the top of a mountain in Hollywood is great. Then, undressing my husband who is not able to undress himself is terrible. Or... both. It's the "both" that I can't see when I'm in the middle. I see everything very all-or-nothing and black-and-white. This is very dangerous. Because the reality is there is a lot of life that is lived in the in between. In the not yet. In the almost. In the about to. In the while-we-wait. And in the wow, that just happened.
The heart of the problem was the desperation. The don’t-you-see-me, the I’m-more-than-just-a-driver, the stop-taking-advantage-of-me.
I’m so thirsty.
There is this pattern to the perfect storm that always slams us up against this same wall. And it is this: Exhaustion + stress + PMS = irrationality. When I am in an irrational (read: relying solely on myself) state, this life is impossible. It’s simply impossible. It does not compute. 404 error, no page found.
I do not have it in myself to live this life. I cannot do it alone. I simply can’t. No matter how hard I try.
In fact, the trying is poison. Because the harder I try, the harder it is. And the harder it is, the more I want to quit.
When I’m thirsty, and desperate, and irrational, I will drink anything. I want to be noticed, I want to eat muffins and buy clothes I can’t afford. Fill me up! Somehow! Anyhow! Give me something to drink!
But the problem is, no matter what I latch on to, even my husband, who loves me so dearly, he endures this pain with me, trying to sooth it, while inadvertently contributing to it, nothing does the trick.
The perfect storm has once again hit. Like a hurricane. And there are branches of desperation all around. The waters of irrationality have surged in and washed away wonderful things I had received and treasured, but weren’t on high enough ground to be protected. Like my joy, my happiness, my confidence. The wind of hormones from PMS, racked with stress have blown over my ability to see the truth. Give the benefit of the doubt. Hear myself think ridiculous thoughts and know they are ridiculous.
So, now, I’m left with a Category 3 mess on my hands, a husband who I’m pushing away, and at the same time expecting to fix it all. He’s screwed.
My eternal enemy is pride. Like the zits on my chin. They clear up, and I’m like wow- I can’t believe they were ever there. Then, out of no where, I have an invisible volcano under there that no one can see, but it’s so huge under the surface, it hurts to smile.
I really need to chill with the metaphors, huh?
I will share with you the points Pastor Mark made that I wrote down.
“Your focus determines your reality.” – apparently a quote from Star Wars. I am putting my Zero Tolerance policy of all thing space/science fiction away for a second to soak this truth in.
Because, the truth is, when I am like this, it is because I am focusing on the negative, the difficult, the impossible, and most of all – myself.
“The spirit of humility never loses to the spirit of pride.” Pride gets in the way of learning new things because we won’t do things we aren’t good at yet. I am completely guilty of this. I love to do things I am good at, and if I’m not good at it, honestly – I’d rather just stay home.
Michael went to the doctor today. Just for a regular appointment. Normally, I would have taken him. But, as previously discussed, I’m having issues. The PMS part is now over. But the stress and exhaustion remain.
So, I’m resting. I’m seeking the Lord. I’m trying to be still. And know. That He’s got this.
The truth is, I fought it the whole way. Not that I wanted to take Michael to the doctor and the DMV. Not that that’s how I want to spend my day resting up from so much travel. It’s totally not. I fought it, because I know that if I don’t take him, it means he has to take the bus (read: a couple of buses), and it’s going to take him an hour to get there. And, I’m worried that the people in the office will think I’m a jerk for not taking him. And I’m worried that while I’m sitting at home, resting, while he’s out doing that stuff alone, that I will feel guilty.
Do you see the theme here? It’s still all about me. It always is. This is the problem. But, I think, finally, for the first time in a couple of weeks, in between California and Florida, and a football game and a baseball game and driving to get the new wheelchair, and cleaning and grocery shopping and cooking and caregiving, I had long enough to sit here, write, listen, and let some of this stuff out.
I’m so thankful for grace, and mercy, and healing. And that when we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
In the half hour or so that I’ve been here, pouring my heart out, I’ve heard the song “Healing is in Your Hands,” by Christy Nockels three times. I’m thinking that is no coincidence right about now!
Random side note: I just searched for this song on YouTube, and this version came up. A couple that is singing used to sing on the Sounds of Liberty when I was in college. Random. But, neat to see them.
For months, we have been waiting on Michael's new wheelchair. You may remember this conversation from April. He didn't even end up on getting that exact chair, I can't even remember why, there were so many changes and challenges and insurance hoops and what not.
Well... it is finally here! The wheelchair was supposed to be delivered Monday, but I got back from California Thursday, so Friday, we drove up to Maryland and picked up the new chair, ourselves.
Just call me the wheelchair delivery service. Yes, that's the new wheelchair, the old wheelchair, and an extra set of wheels and what not in the back of my Ford Escape. And, a lot of dirt. Precious cargo!! Note: We had to order the new bathroom chair, so that should come in soon, and that nightmare will *hopefully* be over soon!
I don't know all the lingo on the new chair, but I can tell you it's a TiLite. Maybe like "ultra" or something? I don't know... but I'm glad that my husband is no longer cruising around with the word "quickie" on his back. :)
And, it has e.motion wheels. Basically, it works kind of like his old wheelchair, but now, each wheel has it's own motor. And the batteries last forever!! And the tires are way quieter and better.
And my favorite thing of all -- his posture is WAAAAY better and he doesn't look like the letter S.
I can tell you that the first things we did were: 1. Remove the armrests. 2. Remove the seat belt. 3. Michael had a friend remove the gripper things on the handle bars in the back. And... I'm really not all that into the reflectors (why can't they be white, or something lower profile?)
I really don't mean to be so anti-safety, I swear!
I was kind of nervous that it would take him a while to get used to the new chair. But, he was cruising all over DC the day after he got it. You know, chasing down big headed Presidents outside of baseball games... And actually catching up with them!! Of course, there is some getting used to - like the two motors instead of one in the middle, having to turn the wheels on and off one at a time, and sitting up straighter and balancing. But, Michael is doing great.
Last week, when I was in California with my team from work, to cover the GOP Presidential Debate, I had a great opportunity to see some really special friends, the folks at Joni and Friends, including Joni and Ken.
I have shared with you before the impact Joni's ministry has had on me, and about the time Michael and I got to have lunch with Joni and Ken a few months ago. What an honor!
I figured, since I was in the neigborhood, we could stop by for a tour of the Joni and Friends International Disability Center. So thankful to Judy and Ken for showing us around! This is the chapel. It's right at the heart of the building, and the ONLY way in is up a ramp! Very symbolic! The walls display a lot of Joni's artwork. This shows the progression of a painting from the beginning. Months of work! This one was a gift from Joni to her dad. Another couple of walls are dedicated to telling Joni's story. I always love the pictures of Joni and Ken together. They always look so happy and in love. A man sent this to Joni and Friends as a gift. He painted it by rolling his wheelchair around in paints, then rolling over the canvas. If you look closely, you can see paw prints from his dog "helping out." Of course, I totally thought of our household.The biggest treat of all was when we met Joni, and she and Ken gave us a tour of her office, and her art studio! Ken is showing us a drawing that one of Joni's friends did after her accident that shows her "putting the pieces back together." But, as Joni explained it to us, some of those pieces never fit back together perfectly, and there is great wisdom in trusting God for those pieces that don't go back the way they were. I can so relate to that! Ken held this plate up for us, and Joni told us that this was the first etching she did after her injury, and how important it was for her to see that her talent was coming from the inside and that it still oozed out, even though her hands didn't work. So amazing. I love that. My heart was so lifted when I left. And I know my co-workers were blessed as well. I am so thankful for Judy, Joni and Ken and everyone at Joni and Friends for the work that they do to help people with disabilities and their families all over the world.
Joni even posted about our little visit on her blog!
Can't wait to see them again! Next time, hopefully, Michael will be along for the ride!
For the summer we've been waiting for my new wheelchairs. If you're following our blog, you'll know we were going to get new chairs for the bathroom and everyday use. We have been through so many frustrations and tears fighting to get these necessary items. It has been one disappointment after another.
A quick summary:
My current everyday chair has been less reliable for a while. The batteries do not last long enough. The manufacturer closed up shop, so I determined it would be best to go with something with support. I picked out my chair to replace it, but they got caught up in negotiations with insurance. Then the chair I ordered was no longer compatible for my new wheels, so we started over.
We got a bathroom chair, but it is an engineering mess. Too long, awkward, and plain wrong. The supply company left us dangling despite their replacement guarantee. I finally got with the right person at the manufacturer, explained my experience with the chair, and she got it authorized for return. I picked out one that should work now.
Back to present day:
We are getting delivery Monday! I'm nervous about getting used to new wheelchairs, but they look reliable and more practical. I look forward to getting out more. I look forward to less frustration in day-to-day life.
We obviously are not the most traditional couple on the planet. But, there are a few things here and there that we think are fun to follow.
You know, like those lists of 'traditional' wedding anniversary gifts.
For example - last year, for our first anniversary, we went to a baseball game. I know what you're thinking - traditional? A baseball game? Well... the traditional gift for your first anniversary is PAPER. The tickets to the baseball game were PAPER.
So.... the traditional gift for a second wedding anniversary is COTTON.
I had an idea - T-shirts!! I consulted a friend who is pretty much a pro at making homemade t-shirt designs (shout out, Gretchen). My plan was to do this myself, and surprise Michael.
It didn't work out that way. The symbolism in this t-shirt story is hilariously amazing. I couldn't do it by myself. I cannot DEAL with photoshop. I don't understand it, and I don't have the patience to figure it out. I planned to design the t-shirt online, print it out, and iron it on. But, all of the "designs" were SUPER LAME, think clip art from the word processing program you worked on in high school in the '90s.
So. We did it together. I had the idea. I wanted to do matching t-shirts, because after a trying first year, our second year was very much about teamwork, and matching t-shirts (while cheesy) seemed fitting for us. I wanted a tree, or trees to be a part of the design because our second year also included a lot of GROWTH. I found this photo I took during one of those crazy one foot+ snowstorms a couple of years ago: Then, it was in the hands of Mr. Computer Hero, a.k.a. my husband. He flipped it, did some other magic stuff to make it black and white and other things to make it look cool. And, then we faced some unplanned challenges. At this point, right before we printed it, we realized the dark grey shirts we bought might not work, because the iron transfer paper we were going to use may not print out white. It was about 8pm Sunday night. I drove out to Michael's (where we bought the transfers) to exchange them for white ones. Michael's was, of course, closed. I drove over to Old Navy to exchange the shirts. Also, closed. But, we would not be stopped. I went to Target, where I found both the transfers and the white t-shirts. Then... I got home, we got ready to get started... and then we realized we needed to wait some more. The shirts needed to be washed first. So... we did a test run on one of Michael's old white undershirts.
And it worked! Okay. Done for the night. Monday, we got all set up to print out the design for the "real" shirts. And we faced ANOTHER challenge. The printer was out of ink. So... I drove over to Staples... where I remembered it was the day before the first day of school... so, I left. I didn't even try Target. Same madhouse situation there. I bought ink at Best Buy. And, we were back in business! With the printing, and the ironing on... We followed the instructions, perfectly.
RANDOM ANNIVERSARY ASIDE: And, while we left the shirts to cool... we busted out some of Michael's paints and had a little craft time at the dining room table. After a summer stuck inside because of M's bum wheelchair, I have been going stir crazy and grumpy! It was so frustrating trying to think of things we could both do, that didn't involve a lot of walking around, or money. There aren't very many options. But, Michael had a great idea - painting! So, I painted an owl, like a 5 year old (because I was thinking of "back to school") and Michael painted a wooded scene. It was fun!!
After that, we had our super fancy anniversary dinner: Yes, that is chili dogs, baked beans (from a can) and broccoli (from a bag). Man, do we know how to celebrate a big occasion!
Actually... here's the deal. When we got married, I said I wanted to always make our anniversaries special. Because a healthy, growing, lasting marriage is a big deal, suitable for a real celebration. So, I thought that we would go somewhere every year. But - we just couldn't swing that right now. We just don't have the money for a getaway. In fact, we didn't even have the money this past weekend for a nice dinner, out. We don't spend money we don't have. Core value. So.... hot dogs on paper plates it was!!
But - you know what? We loved it!! Don't feel sorry for us! Looking back on our weekend of celebrating, I'm really proud of us. Working together, making the best of things we cannot control, a dinner that is yummy, totally eaten in the living room - all of that is so... us!
The next morning, our actual anniversary... we only saw each other briefly. Just to get up, get dressed, and kiss goodbye because I was on my way to the airport for a work trip to California. But you know what.... Even though we were on opposite sides of the United States for 99% of our anniversary - we are still a team - down to the matching, homemade T-shirts!!
I’m writing this from something like 30,000 feet, or however high it is that planes fly these days. I have a window seat on this direct flight from DC to LAX, which is good. I love the window seat, generally. But, I had a latte (of course) at the gate at Reagan, now I have to pee like a champ, and I can feel it every cloud if you know what I mean. And, of course, my co-worker is asleep next to me. I hate to wake him, but I’m at like a 9 over here! As soon as they’re done with that beverage cart, I’m up!
I always notice it when something different happens on a flight. Like earlier, when the flight attendant made an announcement, asking for any man who has an extra shirt that someone can borrow because a baby spit up on a Daddy’s shirt. The crew is washing it for him. Maybe they’ll dry it with some sort of in flight hair dryer or something? I don’t know. I’m guessing that shirt is gone forever, and Daddy will soon be sporting a shirt that says “Los Angeles” on it.
I HAVE IN FLIGHT INTERNET!! That’s right people. This blog post is brought to you by gogo in flight internet on board Alaska Air. Which serves hot meals for like $6.00, not bad, not bad.
Now that I successfully buried the lead, here you go: TODAY IS OUR SECOND ANNIVERSARY!! That’s right. I have been Mrs. Ritter for 2 years, or as Michael pointed out last night, 700 something days. I couldn’t possibly be happier about this fact.
I love remembering our wedding day. It was so perfect. I’ll never forget that moment right before I walked out on the deck. I looked out the glass door and saw all of our family and friends gathered. I heard the music change to the song I was to walk down the “aisle” to with my dad, “Iris,” by Goo Goo Dolls. Who gets married to Goo Goo Dolls? That would be me.
I’ll never forget the moment my dress snagged on some nails on the beach deck or something, and my dad laughed. “Do something,” I said. He kept laughing. My mom’s friend Martha, my de-facto wedding planner, saved the day and carried my train the rest of the way. Shout out, Martha!
I’ll never forget the moment I finally saw Michael’s face. He was smiling. I was so relieved to be with him, with my dress still in tact.
I’ll never forget the moment when Jarred, Michael’s brother was singing, and unplanned, I sat on Michael’s lap.
I’ll never forget the moment for some reason, I glanced over at my mom, who looked so beautiful in her bright pink dress, and I saw her crying. That made me cry, so I never looked over in that direction again. I was wearing a lot of makeup (for me). Michael looked that way once, and I told him, “Don’t do it.” He cried a little, too.
I’ll never forget the moment when Buddy, my father-in-law who performed the ceremony for us, pronounced us husband and wife, and he FORGOT to say “you may now kiss the bride!” Michael got right on that, and kissed me harder and longer than I thought he would.
For the months and months of detailed wedding planning, I didn’t plan that moment!
It was all so overwhelmingly wonderful. I love looking back on that day, and hearing it, smelling it and feeling it in my memory.
Last year, I shared a little about how that first year of marriage was difficult for us. Lots of changes and adjustments for both of us. Lots of life re-arranging, and prioritizing, plus a new job for me, a new city for Michael.
This year, I’m happy to report that our marriage has never been stronger, more fun, and more full of laughter than it is now. We really worked as a team this year. I’m so proud of that, thankful for the Lord’s leading and hand in providing for us, giving us strength and joy.
This year has not been without it’s challenges. In fact, there have been many. Health challenges, wheelchair challenges, a lot of travel, and stress.
But we faced all of it together. And we enjoyed all of it together.
More on how we marked this anniversary, a little later. Thank you so much to each and every one who has wished us a Happy Anniversary. It is. It truly is.
I love the Chicken Pitza at Aladdin's Eatery. The other day, I had a major craving for it, but we were not in a financial position for a dinner out. The beginning of the month generally includes paying rent and not so much eating out and unnecessary spending, if you know what I mean.
So, I googled the "pitza," to try to figure out what was in it.
Then, natrually, I tried faking it at home.
What I came up with was definitely yummy! Not the same as Aladdin's, but it was still super good! So, I'll share my recipe for what I'm calling Honey Mustard Chicken Naan Pizza with you.
What' you'll need: Chicken breast, chopped into bite sized pieces
Garlic salt
Garlic Powder
Pepper
Honey Mustard
Butter
2 Pieces of Naan (I like to buy mine pre-made, because I am not that advanced!)
Green pepper
Red onion
Green onions
I have no exact measurements. Just eyebeall it all. I mean, we're making this up, right?
What you do: Pre-heat your oven to 450 degrees, WITH your pizza stone IN the oven.
Chop up your chicken breast and sprinkle it with garlic salt, garlic butter and pepper.
Put some olive oil in a pan and saute' the chicken until it is fully cooked.Spread about a teaspoon of butter on each piece of Naan.Chop up your vegetables. Aladdin's version has julienned green peppers. So, I attemped that. Ha!
Spread about a tablespoon and a half of honey mustard on each piece of Naan.
At this point, your husband may or may not ask you for a Mimosa. Comply. For the greater good of all mankind. :)
Take your heated pizza stone out of the oven, and place your buttered, honey mustarded Naan on the stone. Place a generous amount of chicken and veggies on each piece of Naan.
Pop it in the oven for about 8 minutes.
Take it out and leave it on the stone until the very second you are ready to serve it.
Note: Because your "sauce" is really just honey mustard, the chicken and veggies won't be as "stuck" on there as traditional pizza that has cheese to hold it together. So, you can cut it up, and eat it like pizza slices, or you can fold it and eat it more like a pita sandwich.
Your call.
OH - I forgot, after I took these pictures, I sprinkled our pizzas with Feta cheese. Do that too! YUM!
Sometimes, after a deep, cathartic post like I wrote the other day, I have nothing left in me to write for a while. I'm tapped out.
